


He Was My Boyfriend! Or: Lines Chuck Bartowski Did Not Quote While Fighting Robot Nazis

by Wonderlandleighleigh



Series: Don't get saucy with me, Bearnaise! [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Chuck (TV), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: CAT Squad, Evil Robot Nazis, F/M, Gen, Hydra
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-26
Updated: 2014-03-26
Packaged: 2018-01-17 02:34:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,572
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1370716
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wonderlandleighleigh/pseuds/Wonderlandleighleigh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>And sometimes you spend your Christmas bailing your wife and her best friends out of a really weird situation with Captain America and a SHIELD Agent who maybe died that one time by your side. No big deal.</p>
            </blockquote>





	He Was My Boyfriend! Or: Lines Chuck Bartowski Did Not Quote While Fighting Robot Nazis

**Author's Note:**

> I would apologize, but I'm not sorry. Big thanks to Dettiot for cheering this thing on.

"We have your women." 

Steve Rogers frowns deeply at the video feed. The man who calls himself the Hydra is glowering at him. 

"My-" 

The camera pans from the incredibly beefy man with the Hydra symbol tattooed on his forehead to behind him, where three women are trussed up by chains to the ceiling of what might be a cave. 

Agents Walker, Miller and Rizzo, the agents who make up the CAT Squad, each look as though they may explode with rage.

Steve's jaw clenches. "What do you want?" 

"Your severed head on a platter," the Hydra says, pulling the camera back to his own face. "Barring that, a fair trade: you for them. You have twenty-four hours to turn yourself into Hydra, or I kill them." 

In the background, Steve can hear one of the agents start to laugh, and then the video feed goes dark.

He blows out a break and shakes his head. “This is just great.”

“Sir, if I may,” Jarvis says. “You won’t have much back-up, it being Christmas Eve. Mr. Stark and Miss Potts are in Malibu, and have taken Doctor Banner with them. Miss Romanov and Mr. Barton are off-grid, and Prince Thor is in England, though he could readily get here.”

Steve waves a hand. “What are my options as it stands?”

“Mr. Bartowski is in Mr. Stark’s lab, and Agent Coulson has just arrived with some take-out.”

“Well,” Steve mutters, more to himself than to Jarvis. “At least they’re both spies. It’s gotta be better than that time I got caught in a firefight with Howard while he was drunk.”

“Captain, shall I assemble Agents Coulson and Bartowski?”

Steve blows out a breath. “Yeah. Yeah, do it.”

*****

Chuck Bartowski frowns deeply as he steps into the briefing room. His goggles sit atop his head, and there’s at least one grease stain on his face, right under his left eye. His jeans are dusty and ripped, and his gray t-shirt is loose on him.

He lights up when he sees the Chinese food on the table.

“Hey! Dinner! Thanks, Phil!”

“We figured we should break the news to you over Chinese,” Coulson says.

Chuck freezes in mid lunge for the sizzling shrimp. “News? What news? Whose news?”

Steve sighs. “The CATS are in trouble.”

Chuck’s eyes widen. “Wh…the CATS? Sarah’s in trouble? What kinda trouble, where are they?”

“East Germany,” Coulson says. “They got caught by New Hydra.”

Chuck slumps down into a chair, his mind reeling. “How bad is it? Are they-“

“They’re alive,” Steve confirms. “They looked more pissed off than in pain. But we have twenty-four hours to stage an extraction.”

“Twenty-four hours, how’d you negotiate that?” Chuck asks, pulling his goggles off.

“He didn’t,” Coulson says. “That’s how long they gave Cap to turn himself in before they kill the CATS.”

“Oh,” Chuck says, swallowing hard. “So I guess we’re eatin’ on the way, huh?”

Steve nods and picks up a carton of Kung Pow. “Got it in one. Suit up, Chuck. We leave in ten.” 

*****

“This is all your frickin’ fault.”

“Me?!”

“Yes! You!” Zondra cries. She tries to kick Carina but it doesn’t work. “You’re the one who had to go flirt with that weirdo at that bar!”

“Our mission was over!” Carina snaps. “We were off the clock and excuse me, not everybody can bag Captain America for a boyfriend!”

“We’ve been on two dates!” Zondra argues. “Two dates does not make him my boyfriend!”

Sarah groans loudly enough for them to stop. “Seriously, you guys? You’re fighting about this now?”

“You wouldn’t understand,” Carina sniffs. “Now that you’re an old married lady.”

It’s Sarah’s turn to try and kick her. “I don’t care who’s dating who, or who is and isn’t married, let’s just get out of here!”

There’s a chuckle from the other side of the room, and their captor, who calls himself The Hydra, steps out of the shadows.

“How sweet to listen to you gossip about boys,” he says in his thick German accent. “And you my dear,” he goes on, as he steps up in front of Sarah. “Such a perfect example of the Aryan ideal…”

Zondra, being Zondra, hocks up a large, loud lougey, aims, and spits it directly in The Hydra’s face.

The man howls in outrage and reels on her, striking Zondra across the face.

The woman just laughs.

“You will pay,” The Hydra snarls. “Even if Captain America does show up, you will all pay!”

He stalks off and Carina does her best to stifle a laugh.

Sarah smirks. “Worth it?”

“God, so damn worth it,” Zondra grins, wincing a little from the pain. “Let’s get the hell outta here.”

*****

“You don’t seem as worried as I thought you’d be,” Steve says as he flies the quinjet toward Germany.

“Who, me?” Chuck asks. He’s changed into combat gear; black pants, black turtleneck, a bullet-proof vest, black jacket. He’s loaded to the teeth with tranq guns and darts, and he’s got his father’s old wrist computer strapped on under the jacket. “I mean, I’m worried…She’s my wife, of course I’m worried, but…y’know, this isn’t anything Sarah hasn’t done before. She’s a pro, especially with Zondra and Carina there with her. At this point, they’re probably breaking themselves out. We’re just picking them up. I mean I hope so.”

Coulson grins a little. “Carina’s never been one to wait around like a damsel in distress. She’s probably got our Hydra friend’s head smothered between her thighs while she’s doing her nails.”

Steve blinks as he keeps piloting.

Chuck looks back at Coulson. “You’re probably right. But…wow. You think about that stuff.”

Coulson quirks an eyebrow at him. “You don’t?”

“My fantasies range a little more pedestrian, thanks,” Chuck replies.

It’s then that Chuck realizes Captain America’s face is bright red.

“Oh,” Chuck says. “Sorry, there, Cap. Didn’t mean to embarrass you.”

“It’s fine,” he says quickly.

“How are things going with you and Rizzo?” Coulson asks. “I hear she’s very keen on your bike.”

“My-“ Steve’s eyes widen and then he blows out a breath. “My motorcycle. Yeah. She- the last time we went out I started to wonder if she liked it more than me.”

“Nah,” Chuck reassures him. “I mean she might act like that at first, but I bet underneath all that bad-assery, she’s writing your name in hearts in her trapper keeper.”

“Her what?” Steve asks, utterly baffled.

Coulson tries not to laugh. “Are we almost there?”

Steve nods. “We’re lookin’ at seven minutes.”

*****

They get out of the chains, of course. Of course they do, they’re the CATS, that’s what they do.

The problem is that they have the Hydra and his troops hot their trail as they try to navigate the giant, maze-like compound.

“Weren’t we here before?” Sarah asks as they duck and cover against a far wall from the incoming fire.

“I knew we shoulda made that last left at Albuquerque,” Zondra jokes, and Carina groans.

“Must you?”

“Always.”

“We need to get some firepower,” Sarah says. “We’re sitting ducks without any guns.”

Zondra nods and stretches a little, tilting her head one way, and then the other. “Three firearms, comin’ right up.”

This is not the first time, and it won't be the last that Zondra Rizzo has gone toe-to-toe with thirty armed men without any weapons and little back-up. She runs and then takes a leap and plants her feet in one Hydra lackey's face, taking his gun and whirling around as she hits the floor, the gun connecting with another one's jaw. She grabs his gun, tosses both the weapons to Sarah and Carina, sweep's another guy's leg, kicks him in the face, takes his gun, and starts shooting.

Sarah joins her, Carina sharp-shooting from behind them.

"If Cap saw that, he'd ask you to the school dance for sure!" Carina cries with a laugh as she takes out henchman after henchman. 

Sarah dives in, mostly knocking the men out with her gun, rather than shooting them; her husband's influence, obviously. "Carina, if I didn't know any better, I'd say you were jealous of Zondra." 

Zondra shoots another goon in the knee and ducks as one tries to tackle her, sending him over her back and right into Sarah's waiting elbow.

"I am not jealous!" Carina cries as she shoots another three men. "I'm just a little concerned that Rizzo seems to be moving so slow on this. Two dates? Neither involved alcohol or sex? That's not her typical MO." 

"And sleeping with people you barely know isn't Cap's MO," Zondra points out as she knocks out the last man. "He's shy about that kinda thing. He's not the kinda guy you just mount and have your way with. Not to mention I've only ever dated my co-workers, and it always ended abrupt and stupid."

"I get Vaughn," Sarah says as they start moving again. "Boy do I ever, because wow, Vaughn. But I still don't know what you saw in Patrick." 

"Let's just call that a gas leak half year and never speak of it again," Zondra says.

"Agreed," Carina nods as they round a corner, only to be faced by The Hydra, shirt off, looking angry. 

"Hello, mein frauleins." 

"Is it just me or does this job keep getting weirder?" Zondra asks, wrinkling her nose.

***** 

"Seriously?!" 

Steve frowns up at the giant, multi-colored cat's head, mouth open, that seems to swallow up the roller coaster it's a part of. "This was not here the last time I was." 

"Welcome to Spreepark," Coulson says. "Opened in 1969, abandoned in 2002." 

"This is what they built over that old Hydra base?" Steve asks, looking incredibly unsettled. 

Coulson nods. "Yep." 

"Y'know," Steve says. "Both Bucky and I always hated clowns." 

"I imagine they were a lot creepier in the twenties and thirties," Chuck says as they start moving forward toward the giant cat's head. 

"Why's that?" 

"Everything was in sepia tone back then, right?" Chuck jokes. "Way creepier." 

"Yes, yes, I'm old, it's all very funny," Steve mutters. 

Chuck stops and frowns. "Sorry, buddy. That was a little meaner than I meant it." 

"It's fine," Steve says. "And clowns were way creepier anyways." 

"Oh?" 

"People bathed way less back then." 

Chuck shudders. 

Coulson grins a little. "So much for the girls waiting for their ride. They must have gotten held up by our new friend." He pulls a flashlight out and shines it around the cat's head. "Any ideas on an entrance to that old base?" 

Steve looks around, too, and kneels down next to the coaster track, rubbing a gloved finger over the rested, dusty metal to reveal an etched in Hydra symbol. "I might have one." 

***** 

"You didn't have to shoot him in the head!" 

"What do you mean I didn't have to shoot him in the head?!" Carina cries. "He nabbed us, trussed us up, threatened to kill us, tried to have his goons kills us and then tried to kill us himself! Don't tell me I didn't have to shoot him in the head!" 

Zondra watches as the prone body of The Hydra starts to twitch. "Guys." 

"Carina, we don't have to kill everybody," Sarah says sternly. 

"Oh, god, just- what happened to you, Walker? When did you become so damn squeamish? Sometimes it's kill or be killed and there isn't another choice!" 

"There was another choice!" Sarah shoots back. "You just didn't bother to look for it!" 

Zondra steps back as The Hydra starts getting to his feet. "Hey-" 

"Ugh, your holier than thou crap is gonna give me hives, I swear," Carina groans. "Can we just get out of here? Please?" 

The Hydra starts to laugh, and that finally draws the other two CATS' attention. 

"Carina?" Sarah asks. 

"What?" 

"Shoot him in the head again." 

"I thought you'd never ask." 

***** 

"So what were the CATS doing in Germany anyways?" Steve asks as they hop down into the underground base. 

"Robot Eva Braun," Chuck says. 

Steve freezes. "Excuse me?" 

"Bartowski, that's classified," Coulson snaps. 

"So is Steve," Chuck argues. He turns to Steve. "I helped do the research for this one. Schmidt and Braun had an affair." 

"What?!" Steve cries, bewildered. 

"This was while you were still trying to get into the army," Chuck tells him. "So they had an affair, but she ended it, afraid Hitler would find out and murder both of them." 

"Understandable," Steve says, still obviously confused.

"Schmidt didn't take that too well," Chuck goes on. "So he had a robot version built. For his...y'know. Pleasure." 

Steve frowns deeply. "Ew." 

"Very ew," Chuck agrees. "The CATS were here because people had reported sightings of Eva Braun in the last few months." 

"So the robot's still around," Steve says. 

"A lot of things are, by the look of it," Coulson says.

They made their way to what looks to be an old laboratory; dusty and dingy but obviously recently used.

Chuck steps in first, going straight for the equipment and doing a scan with his wrist computer.

“What is this place?” Steve asks. “It…it looks like the lab I took the serum in.”

“Well, the Nazis and Hydra did make multiple attempts to recreate Erskine’s formula,” Coulson points out as he goes straight for one of the filing cabinets and starts rifling through its contents. “Chuck, you’re gonna want to see this.”

Both men walk over, looking over Coulson’s shoulder.

Chuck takes up one of the files and riffles through it. “Oh…oh, this is so bad.”

“What?” Steve asks, taking out a file as well.

“Whatever Schmidt did to tweak the serum he had, it was…monstrous…The physical deformities alone…”

“The psychological notes are just as bad,” Coulson says.

“They were doing this to their own people,” Chuck mutters.

“I wish I was surprised,” Steve tells them. “Schmidt was insane, and desperate.”

“But these were not Herr Schmidt’s experiments,” A soft, high voice says.

Slowly, the three of them look up to find Eva Braun – if Eva Braun were the Terminator – walking toward them. Half her face perfectly human, the other half that of a mangled robot. 

“Nein,” she tells them, grinning. Behind her the Hydra, a couple of healing bullet wounds in his head and shoulders, follows with all three of the CATS slung over his enormous shoulders. “Nein these were not Johann’s projects. They were mine.”

Chuck stares, eyes wide. “Okay. Okay, I think I just peed a little. And not in the super happy excited kind of way.”

“What do you want, Braun?” Coulson asks. He looks unphased by all of this.

“A very good question, Agent,” she grins, the electronic part of her face making her look like a monster. “I want what every girl wants…a husband to come home to…a family…”

“Get to the point,” Steve snaps.

“I want to be human again!” she cries. “And your Agent Walker will do nicely.”

Steve frowns. “What is she-“

“The equipment,” Chuck says darkly, looking at the readings on his wrist device. “It’s not for making super soldiers anymore. It’s to transfer someone’s conscious mind from one body to another. And she wants to use my wife.”

*****

Carina has to roll her eyes. She knows that they’re supposed to be playing dead; that a false move gets them all killed, but this is ridiculous.

A Robot Version of Eva Braun wants to plant her mind into Walker’s body.

Sarah gives her a warning look. It says “Keep your damn mouth shut until I give the signal.”

Zondra, for her part, is biding her time, waiting for the aforementioned signal, fiddling with a small charge explosive, readying it for detonation.

Sarah gives her a look that says “ready?”

Zondra smirks.

*****

“Oh, you do not want to go down this road,” Chuck says. “You really, really don’t.”

Robo-Braun laughs. “You puny little American! You think you can sway me with idle threats.”

Steve gets ready for a fight. “Nobody said anything about idle.”

Coulson takes his firearm out. “Let the ladies go, come quietly, or I’ll blow your little science fair project to hell.”

“No you won’t,” Robo-Braun says.

“And who’s gonna stop me?” Coulson asks, cocking his gun. “You?”

Eva smiles widely and throws her arms wide. “Nein! Them!”

From every door, from the ceiling and from every crevice, a Hydra agent emerges, armed and ready.

Steve just grins a little. “Now you’re talkin’ my language.”

He’s about to jump right into the fray, but an explosion goes off before he gets the chance, and the Hydra yells in shock and pain, dropping the CATS, who scatter, grabbing weapons, hitting agents and generally causing mass confusion.

“Hi!” Zondra grins, as she joins Steve. “How’s it going?”

He punches out two Hydra agents and gives her a bewildered look as he slams his shield into a third. “Really? You’re gonna make small talk now?”

“Might as well,” Zondra says as she shoots one of the goons in the knee. “Hey, does this count as a third date?”

“Does it?” Steve asks.

“Definitely not!” Chuck cries as he makes a beeline for some of the equipment, flashing on some fighting skills and knocking out three men on the way. “This is no place for a date!”

“Better than some places,” Sarah points out. She smiles at Chuck as she breaks a goon’s wrist. “By the way, merry Christmas, Chuck.”

He smiles back at her warmly. “Merry Christmas, Baby. Your gifts is back in New York.” He gets to work. “If you fine ladies and gentlemen wouldn’t mind holding off our friends here, I’m gonna see about doing a little jiggery-pokery.”

“I know what else Chuckles would like to jiggery-pokery,” Carina says as she leaps over two lackeys and makes her way toward Robo-Braun.

“Now now,” Coulson says as he covers her. “Be nice.”

“You don’t like me when I’m nice,” Carina smirks. She whirls around, grabs Robo-Braun and punches her square in the face.

All it does is break a couple of her fingers. 

“Jesus, Carina, she’s a frickin’ robot!” Zondra cries.

“Fools!” Robo-Braun cries, grabbing Carina by the hair. “You shall never defeat me! Once I have Walker’s body for myself, I shall enslave all the world! And Captain America will be by my side.”

Steve freezes for a moment. “Why does this keep getting weirder?”

“That’s what I said!” Zondra cries.

“What makes you think I’d ever join you, Braun?!”

She just grins. “You will have no choice once I replace your puny mind with my beloved Johann’s!”

“Is anyone else starting to feel like we’ve landed into Young Frankenstein?” Chuck asks, still busying himself.

“Hey!” Steve says. “I get that-Agh!” He stumbles as a Hydra goon blasts him in the solar plexus.

“Rogers!” Zondra cries, shooting the goon.

“Just hang in there a little…YES!” Chuck fiddles a little more and then flips a switch. A bright light flicks on, blinding everyone in the room, and circuits start to spark. As one, the Hydra agents, along with The Hydra himself, drop to the ground, powering down.

“They’re all robots,” Coulson says, looking around. “Huh.”

“What did you do?” Sarah asks.

“Power surge,” Chuck grins. “Well…a power surge turned up to eleven, but still! A power surge.”

Carina groans as she shoves the lifeless Robo-Braun off of her, letting it clunk to the floor and stepping on her face. “Lovely. Merry Christmas, everyone. I need a drink.”

Coulson grins and steps over to her. “I’ll get you one just as soon as I call a cleanup crew.”

Carina pouts just a little and wraps her arms around him. “Promise?”

“Cross my heart, hope to die,” he grins.

She frowns and swats at him. “Not funny.”

“Okay there, Cap?” Zondra asks as she helps him to his feet.

“Peachy,” he replies, limping a little. “Getting blasted with a Hydra weapon is always hilarious.” He looks into her face and grins a little then. “It could be worse, though. If I was gonna spend my Christmas fighting Robot Nazis, I’m glad I got to do it with you.” 

She smiles back at him, moving a little closer. “So this is a third date.”

Steve leans in impulsively and kisses her lightly. “No time like the present, so they say.”

“That was some very fancy computer work, Mr. Walker.”

Chuck smiles broadly as Sarah wraps her arms around him. “Well, Mrs. Bartowski, I couldn’t very well let evil robot Eva Braun turn my wife into her own personal body swap episode.”

“I appreciate that,” She grins.

Chuck rubs her side. “I believe Phil said something about a drink.”

Coulson nods as he gets off the phone. “The quinjet is all ready to go. SHIELD’s sending in a crew to do the cleanup. I say we head to England for a few pints.”

“Hell if we haven’t earned it,” Sarah nods.

“Hey!” Chuck smiles brightly. “Triple date!”

Zondra rolls her eyes and takes Steve’s hand. “Come on, Rogers. I’ll check you out on the ride over.”

He grins, his face a little red. “Promises, promises.”

“Ooh, the 90-year-old is feeling saucy,” Carina teases as she tugs Coulson toward the exit.

“Hey, do they still have fondue?” Steve asks, ignoring Carina, but walking with everyone out of the base. “Maybe we should make a stop in Switzerland. Howard always said Lucerne has great fondue…”


End file.
